More eBay news: I was recently looking for pink vintage silk bowling shoes with embroidered pictures of Louis XIV, when I came across four separate auctions for rocks with images of Jesus and Mary. "What is going on here?" I thundered, nearly toppling my bottle of gin.  "Four Jesus rocks on sale at once?  Why, that's madness!"

Don't these people know that oversupply will only drive the prices down and hurt everone in the market?  Haven't they learned anything from OPEC? Too bad you can't get oil out of Jesus stones.  Gas would be a lot cheaper.

After calming down, I wondered if images of Jesus in rocks have the same powers as crucifixes.  Like, would one of these rocks drive vampires away?  It seems like a pretty short-sighted thing to sell one of them.  Vampires are a growing problem in America, and we all need to do our part to protect our country.

You know what they say: the best defense is a good image of Jesus Christ in a piece of metamorphic gneiss dotted with quartz and feldspar.

Crucifix Rock	Heart Rock
Jesus and Mary	Paving Stone (looks more like Curious George than Jesus to me)